glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
