either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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