I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
