I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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