Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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