Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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