did you get engaged???
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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