walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
