I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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