Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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