i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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