I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
