I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
