just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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