Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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