so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
