I wanna bring you to show and tell
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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