I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
