I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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