This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
