i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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