he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
