haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I puked a lego.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
