If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
