I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
