i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
