i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
