i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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