i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
