alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
