saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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