She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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