the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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