wakey wakey hands off snakey
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
