just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
