remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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