i just sold back the books i vomitted on
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
