I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
