Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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