Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
