You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
