I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
