We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
