And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
