I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
