The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
