so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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