and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
