I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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