you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
