Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
