That's when you crack a 10am beer
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
