And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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