I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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