omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
