i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
