Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You ate ashes out of my bong
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
