people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
