How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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