I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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