There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
