Betty ford says i'm here all night
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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